The first time I watched Rogue One was at the Alamo Drafthouse in San Francisco. Little did I know, it was Family Night, which meant the lights were up, the sound was down and babies were allowed in the theater. That meant screaming children, the inability to hear dialogue, and a couple making out next to me (probably unrelated). I could not concentrate on the movie and couldn’t remember a damn thing that happened.
Now I have a second chance, with Netflix. Move over Ozarks!
Rogue One: A Star Wars Story, starts out on some planet with a little girl running through a field. Baby girl runs to her parents who inform someone via Skype that “They found us”. So far everything is very vague. The mom says go out by yourself baby girl. Take this necklace with you. Always the best option to send children out to fend for themselves.
“They” turns out to be the Empire led by that guy from Bloodline. Apparently he can only play creeps.
He says we’ve come to get you, Mr. Space Farmer, claims his family is dead. Bloodline says no they’re not, which is proven true by Mrs. Space Farmer coming out and shooting him.
Meanwhile, Jyn, aka Baby Girl, runs through the field. Run baby girl, run!
She hides in a conveniently located rock with an even more convenient hole to look out through. That’s until Forrest Whitaker shows up and says, “Come with me child.” She goes with him because, children, always go with strangers.
Jedha Moon. People in gas masks are hanging out when a pilot in steampunk goggles comes along being escorted by an Abominable Snowman. Goggles needs to get to the city because he has an urgent message. The guys in the gas masks put a sack over his head and kindly escort him.
Wobani- Imperial Labor Camp- All growed up Jyn is being held captive and gets rescued by the Rebels.
Rebel Alliance Headquarters- Jyn gets to talk to some Rebel elitists, who know exactly who she is. They want her help.
Diego Luna asks “Have you seen your father?” No, she hasn’t. Turns out that guy who saved her was Saw Gerrera, an extremist, who claims the Emperor is creating a weapon to destroy all the planets. The Rebels also want to find Jyns father so he can rat out the Imperials.
Jyn gets to go into a spaceship with Diego Rivera after agreeing to help find her father. In the spaceship not-C3PO introduces himself as K-2SO. He’s a reprogrammed Imperial droid who says whatever is on his mind. Droid don’t give a sh*t.
Okay, back to Jedha, where Goggles still has the bag on his head. He gets to meet up with Saw Gerrera (aka Forest Whitaker), who takes some kind of computer chip from him. Forest Whitaker has gone all Mad Max, and he must have emphysema or something cause he has to breath in an oxygen mask. He has his guys put the sack back on the guy’s head.
Jyn and Diego Rivera are approaching Jedha on their spaceship. They land and hike to get the best view of the ominous space ship. Diego Rivera and Jyn leave not-C3PO behind, saying he’s too much of a target.
Diego Rivero and Jyn walk through the market place. Stormtroopers are roughing up some people, while some people in red KKK robes walk around looking all ominous. Blind Asian Guy addresses Jyn, talking about her necklace. She goes “What the what?” and he says, “Yeah, you.” Of course, he wants money for answers. Her necklace has something to do with Jedhi force. Diego Rivera pulls her away before she can get any real answers.
The Stormtroopers are walking with their tank, minding their own business, when those pesky rebels decide to make trouble. There’s a bunch of shooting and running and tanks. And explosions. And more explosions. Really exciting stuff. Is that an AT-AT? I don’t know what that thing is.
Jyn beats the sh*t out of some Stormtroops.
Stormtroopers try to take Jyn and Diego Rivera, when blind man steps in. He goes all Karate Kid and kicks the sh*t out of the Stormtroopers. Stormtroopers are laying all over the place.
Mad Max Forest Whitakers people come and take them all hostage. Sacks for everyone! Even the blind guy. They take Jyn to Star Wars Cantina 2.0, while the others get thrown in a space cell.
Mad Max Forest Whitaker finally has the reunion with Jyn he’s been dreaming about. Jyn, not so much. Her father, it turns out, has been working for the Imperials making weapons. Jyn tells Forest Whitaker that the Rebels want his help locating her father. He wants to show her something.
But first, let’s check in with the Death Star. Bloodline is ready to destroy the entire moon, the moon that Jyn and friends are on.
And back in the prison cell, blind man finds that they’re neighbors with Goggles, the pilot. “I’m the pilot,” he says.
Forest Whitaker shows Jyn a hologram of her father. Daddy admits to pretending to be on the side of the Imperials and planting a weakness in the Death Star that could destroy the whole thing. One blast will destroy the entire station.
And the entire moon is being blown up. Diego Rivera breaks out of the prison cell. Diego Rivera finds Jyn and takes her, but Forest Whitaker decides to go down with the ship.
Walls are crumbling around them, as the Imperials watch from the Death Star. Jyn, Diego Rivera, Blind man, Goggles, and friends run for the ship which not- C3PO brings around like an Uber to pick them up.
And they escape! Just as the moon is destroyed.
Our heroes crash land on the planet Eadu. Diego Rivera and Goggles take a walk in the rain to see what they can find. From a mountain, they watch the Stormtroopers with binoculars. They spot Jyn’s dad talking to Bloodline.
Meanwhile, Jyn decides to go rogue and climb up the side if Imperial Headquarters. And the Blind Man and his sidekick go through a hike in the rain. Not-C3PO is the only sensible one and stays in the ship.
Jyn’s dad is forced to confess that he betrayed the Imperialists.
Jyn makes it up to the platform where her dad is. Diego Luna tries to call off an attack by the rebels, but it’s to late! The rebels attack! Shooting! Explosions! Ships falling from the sky! Fire!
Jyn calls out to her father, but this isn’t the reunion she envisioned. The Imperialists, thinking he’s dead, get out of there. Jyn tells her father she’s seen the message. He says he has so much to tell her and then dies. Maybe he left another hologram somewhere?
Not C3PO picks up everyone in the ship and off they go.
Meanwhile on the Death Star, Bloodline is confronted by Darth Vader. Special Appearance by Darth Vader! [Applause] He informs Bloodline he screwed up, then invisi-chokes him. And makes a witty pun about “choking on your aspirations” and walks off to the Seinfeld theme song.
Back at the Rebel headquarters, they hold a town meeting to decide what to do.
Jyn says they should keep fighting and find the Death Star plans. This thing agrees.
The counsel says, “Naw we good.”
Diego Rivera and his ragtag crew say, “We’re with you Jyn!” They all get on a ship and declare themselves to be “Rogue One.” “There is no Rogue One,” says flight control. “Well there is now,” says Goggles and winks at the camera.
Jimmy Smitts no fool, he knows there’s going to be a war and goes to prepare the other Rebels.
Scarif- Imperial Security Complex- Rogue One tries to sneak in and thanks to Jyns Jedi necklace they are cleared for entry. Jyn gives the crew a pep talk.
Once landed, they do the old kill the guards and wear their clothes trick. Diego, Jyn and not-C3PO make it into the security center in spite of the ADT sign on the door. The others create a diversion with explosion and shooting.
Meanwhile, the Rebels get word that their people are on Scarif. And look! Special appearance by R2DT and real C3PO! [Applause].
Outside, the Rebels and Imperials get their fight on.
And there’s more fighting… An AT-AT goes down…
Meanwhile, Jyn and friends make it through the security center. They get to where the tape with the Death Star plans is. Not C3PO tries to divert the Stormtroopers.
Not C3PO sacrifices himself so that Jyn and Diego can get the plans from the data vaults. Meanwhile outside blind guy goes for a walk with the Force.
Unfortunately the Force couldn’t protect him from getting blown up.
Jyn makes her way through the Security center. She then comes face to face with Bloodline. He asks who are you?
She informs him he’s lost.
Diego shoots Bloodline.
The Rebellions blow sh*t up lowering the security shield. Jyn sends the signal for the plans. “Do you think anyone’s listening?” Diego asks. “Someone’s out there,” Jyn says.
The Death Star decided to blow up the entire Security Center planet. Jyn and Diego hug on the beach as they await their impending doom.
OMG, they’re dead y’all! They were heroes and they died!
Meanwhile, on another spaceship, Rebels receive the transmission. Darth Vader shows up to mess up everything as he’s wont to do. A rebel runs with the plans and gets to safety on a get away ship. And gives the transmission to… Princess Leia!